Lately

the sun, the sun

It is time to return to more of a drumbeat here.

It was always my intention to have newsletters on the regular, between my writings on fertility. The last year has seen periods of void merging into peering out of the void and back again. There’s been little rhyme or reason as to when or why I’m in one place or another. But something is shifting. I write on the eve of another short hospital admission and on the other side of this, feels something open and expansive.

This feeling is being mirrored by endless blue sky arcs that the UK is currently being blessed with. The flawless sunshine feels like a bridge. In Manchester, it feels as if the last year was only ever grey but that is no doubt coloured by the year that it was, for me. Someone turned the colour filter on - and I am here for it.

The succinct version of life now is about me, returning to it. Some magical things have happened over the last month and here are the pieces that I’ll remember;

a trip to London that felt like a holiday abroad

finally meeting my incredible friend

Lauren Barber

in person, walking around her lake with blue butterflies following us

a night full of love and negroni

an all clear for another cancer scare

longer runs and the potentiality of my body

a new piercing that hurt, but feels like it was always destined, inspired by a dear client

after 14 months, grief has allowed space for me to read again ( I read this and then this in quick succession and loved both, in very different ways)

a Spotify song sent by What’s App that was perfect

being alive, still

One day I will write about the chapter that came after infertility, the one where my Dad died and I got cancer and the collision of two unexpected meteors. I’ll write about the waves of life that keep on crashing and the particular ways I survived that season. Because so far, I’ve survived all of the things that often felt unsurvivable and that feels worthy of documenting. But not yet.

My work has been a solace and a balm for months now and I thought it was a good time to lay out how I am working and what’s coming up.

April 10th Between the Sticks and The Stars a journalling hour for anyone who has had a complex fertility story, whether you’re still in it, on the other side of it, or carrying something that never came to be.Parents, non-parents, still-figuring-it-out people — all of you are welcome. If you are a paid subscriber here, this is part of your subscription. If not, you can join us for £10 here.

It doesn’t matter if your a seasoned journaller or if you rarely venture onto the page. It will be a gentle hour, curated as a place to land, to begin to sense make and to be with your inner landscape - whether words come or not. I’m of the firm belief that everyone is a writer (and that we can let go of the places where we learnt that we weren’t).

A major part of my working heart is currently dedicated to Evolve — a space that brings together thoughtful movement with a personal trainer, yoga and meditation (with me) emotional support, and real community for people navigating fertility treatment, IVF recovery, and parenting after infertility. It’s where everything I care about professionally meets everything I’ve lived personally.

I’m not sure a space exists that has dedicated itself to understanding movement for people on longer trying to conceive journeys. So far we have worked with women who are preparing for IVF, who’ve been asked to lower their BMI, for women during a cycle, in the two week wait, pregnancy and parenting after a long journey. We will be opening our doors again on May 1st. We have some early bird spaces available and you might want to take a look here to see if it’s right for you. Feeling strong and moving my body has been so important to me and I wanted to support people to find the same.

I asked our group today about what they’ve taken from the last six weeks and I think these answers capture the essence of it all.

‘Evolve - very appropriately named - has been a real new approach to health, fitness and wellbeing for me. There's NOTHING like it available all in one place, and certainly nothing quite so tailored and empathetic towards women experiencing fertility challenges, present or past. I've become consistent stronger, healthier, more resilient, and for once in my life I enter each week with a plan I know it's achievable, for whatever is going on.

Introducing small and comfortable changes and habits at a speed comfortable to you, there's all the support from both Helen and Jay - above and beyond (I even got personal phone calls and meetings whilst going through treatment ❤️). And to top it all off, the community of women, our little group of personal cheerleaders and ultimate warriors, is by far the best and most unique thing there is. Thank you, to all.’ K

‘With Evolve Jay and Helen have created such a welcoming and inclusive space, where I’ve always felt supported — by them and by the other participants too. Their understanding around sensitive issues like subfertility/pregnancy loss has meant a lot to me, and it’s made it easier to show up. The sense of community, along with the supportive and gentle accountability built into the sessions, has really helped motivate me to move and to feel part of something positive. Highly recommend Evolve!’ A

‘A few words 💖

Sitting here after doing a workout that I know I would never have done if I wasn’t part of Evolve. Having quite chronic migraines and vertigo I was nervous if I could do the exercises, but I’ve been able to work at my own pace, building up the exercises and follow everything on the app super easily - with fab support. Never underestimate what you’re capable of when there’s a team around you cheering you on, celebrating our wins on the good days but also supporting each other on the not so good days - what an amazing bunch on our WhatsApp group! But also how good having a stronger body feels, and seeing the progress, no matter how small - and holding a plank, which I never could at the beginning! Grateful to Helen & Jay for creating this fab group :)’ xxx K

‘There are a number of things I underestimated at the start of Evolve: how much stronger I feel now. How much I did need someone to tell me what to do in the gym, to push me to the next weight up. How having people in my pocket cheering me on and providing accountability would mean I actually would do more workouts. Including between baking birthday cakes and making dinner with a 4 year old ‘helping’. How feeling stronger means I genuinely feel like I’m more in charge of (in tune with? Have confidence in?)my body than I have been in years, having endured 6 years of infertility crap, pregnancy, perimenopause and raising a highly sensitive child on top of my own sensitivities. Highly recommend. Try it for a month and see. You can always leave (though once you’re in you probably won’t want to!)’ S

I would love to meet you there.

I am still working with my regular conception doula clients and that work has never stopped. If this feels like something that could support you, take a look here (and know that if you join Evolve, you get me in your pocket.. )

See you soon,

H x