the great mysteries of our infertility
living with what we don't- and may never - know.
But WHY? We ask ourselves.
Why isn’t it happening ‘naturally’?
Why didn’t the acupuncture work?
Why is the sperm morphology low?
What does unexplained even mean?
Why did it work that time and not this time?
Do we make embryos inside there? Do they float their way down fallopian tubes? Does the sperm ever meet the egg? That month we had all the symptoms, was there a second line on that test or was it an evaporation shadow? Is there some kind of immune thing at play? Why didn’t the IVF work?
Never have whys felt so frustrating, so inertia bound and so scalpel sharp. We are tethered to the unknown. Perhaps we’ll get some answers eventually but even then, we still may never know all of the facts that led us here.
Because it’s just supposed to work. From the first time I learnt about sex, to the high school sex education with a banana and a condom, to the morning after pills - no one ever told me it might actually be quite difficult to get pregnant. Even though objectively we know that about a million things need to happen for a single sperm to meet an egg and make a baby - we also know that for the majority of people this seemingly impossible thing just happens. Easily.
But for one in six of us - it doesn’t.
Without answers, we get stuck in the hamster wheel of TRYING. We might get a bit serious about trying when our period keeps on coming. We might buy some supplements, or book an appointment to the GP. Month on month the rabbit hole of fertility wellness culture beckons us deeper down. We might get told we have QI stagnation or to try cutting out gluten.
Our search for answers gathers it’s own identity. There are apps for it to dwell in , charting cycles, tracking symptoms, googling late into the night. Answers sometimes appear like a mirage that falls through our hands as we look at yet another single line on a stick. So it wasn’t lack of vitamin D after all. A hycosy didn’t flush our tubes like we hoped.
Begin again. The human menstrual cycle can feel very long when you’re up against the wall of The Mystery.
Living in a constant uncertainty brings emotional chaos. We are buffered between hope and despair, intuition and science, logic and gut feelings. One day we are sat in a medical waiting room, the next we are dipping our feet in the waters of Glastonbury.
We’re told that being unexplained is good - it means there’s nothing wrong. We’re told that finding a reason is good, we can take next steps. And it all feels shit, desperate and unfair. We want to try everything. On bad days, we can’t lean into hope that anything will work.
There is a fallacy that if we do everything right, we will eventually be rewarded. If we track every cycle, time every moment perfectly, take the right supplements, eat the right foods, and avoid all the wrong ones, surely it will work. This idea, this cruel illusion of control, lures us into a relentless routine of micromanaging our lives, hoping to force a result that remains heartbreakingly out of reach. Against a backdrop of not really knowing what we’re even trying to address—an invisible problem, an unexplained mystery—it’s no wonder the stress and anxiety of it all gathers into a cacophony we can no longer ignore. It’s deafening, isolating, and relentless.
It’s so lonely and infuriating to live in a world without answers, surrounded by well-meaning advice, unsolicited opinions, and stories of people who “just relaxed” and somehow succeeded. We want to scream at the universe, at your own body, at the sheer unfairness of it all. How do you keep trying when there’s no map, no guarantee, no way to know if you’re even moving in the right direction?
We do though.
In honesty, my revulsion that I will never know why I was so infertile, so young, will haunt me to the grave. I’ve also made peace with my ghost. One thing that got me through then (and that gets me through now) is hauling myself out of the past, out of the future and into the Right Now. I only really ever have this moment. There don’t need to be answers there.
Upcoming Seminar
seminar on health anxiety on February 6th at 12 PM online (this is a change in date). This will be included for paid subscribers - I’d love to see you there live, comment below if you’re coming. A recording will be uploaded on my Substack.
Together, we’ll explore:
Why health anxiety thrives in uncertainty.
Why googling feels so irresistible and what it’s really trying to achieve.
How to start reclaiming your peace of mind.
You’ll leave with a deeper understanding of health anxiety and practical tools to help you feel more grounded.
This isn’t about judgment or quick fixes—it’s about feeling seen and learning compassionate strategies.
📅 When: February 6th 12pm
📍 Where: Zoom, £15 or free to paid subscribers
💬 Reserve your spot: book here
If health anxiety feels overwhelming right now, this seminar could be the start of finding a different way forward.
‘There is a fallacy that if we do everything right, we will eventually be rewarded.’ This is spot on, Helen. As a type A person, this was hard to swallow. I wanted to pass the test of fertility and so I studied harder and harder - even though I didn’t know what the test was! Never did know why it didn’t work for us and I doubt I ever will.