I still have a white felt acorn hanging by my bed! I think we can lean into the mystical.. and we deserve to be treated with ethical respect. So much love to you x
There is not a YES big enough to express how I feel about your every word, and I’m so grateful that you wrote this in both a sensitive and strong way 🙏🏼
Thank you Helen for articulating your thoughts about this in a honest and gentle manner. You’ve a wonderful gift in navigating that and I know how tricky it can be as a technical writer as a career now.
So, I am naturally an analytical and rational person but once diagnosed with infertility, I felt so desperate that I tried so many things that ended up making me more miserable and anxious and none of it is cheap. After a lengthy period of counselling and inner mindset work, I realised it was my unhealthy relationship with control and perfectionism. I had worked hard and got certain milestones in the bag (career, house etc) so naturally thought “working” at overcoming infertility was the ticket out. I do feel self compassion for my past self but it does make me angry that people will see people’s misfortunes as opportunities and then further reinforced by society to be “positive”. Which then drives people further to feeling isolated and more prone to mental health issues. It’s problematic. (Sorry this is rambley, long story short is 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 😂)
Infertility makes us feel desperate- even Michelle Obama wrote about how hard it is when you’re used to being able to work hard for something to be diagnosed with infertility. I have had to come to terms with my need for control and perfectionism over the years- I also have a history of disordered eating because of my tendencies toward both, but thankfully I haven’t had a period of true restrictive eating since 2010.
I am glad that so many of us are realizing that we shouldn’t try everything that makes us miserable and anxious and costs a ton of money!
I love that you've felt able to write freely ☺️ and you know, I think it is almost impossible not to grasp for points of control in this wildly uncontrollable terrain. But I know that I arrived at infertility with a biography of feeling safe with things I could control and in this way, it was probably inevitable that I too fell hard wanting to control that too. I'm glad we can deep self compassion for our past selves but yes, they never deserved to be exploited.
Thank you for sharing. Having experienced secondary infertility and recurrent miscarriage, I’ve been on the receiving end of similar suggestions. I remember once being told “if you want something badly enough it’ll happen”, and that “anything is possible”. Of course, we know that’s not the case, but when you’re in the thick of it you’ll try anything.
You really will. And, desire and believing as a suggested remedy places the blame with us, no matter how good the intention. That simply isn't right. Or, dare I say, directed at men in the same way. I'm sorry that you have endured recurrent loss, that's so very hard. Sending you all the love x
This! “It’s not because you have a baby blocking belief buried deep into your subconscious.” This has come up so many times when I’ve done courses, watched webinars or YouTube videos on infertility (oh yes I tried to treat infertility like a project I could try harder and harder at). And I believed it for a while. I thought surely this is it. How awful! I don’t believe it now, it doesn’t even make sense. Why would I have that and my friends don’t?! Crazy.
We started trying to conceive in August of 2015. I had an early miscarriage in September of 2015, then it took 3.5 years and 4 failed IUI attempts before I got pregnant with my now 4 year old daughter. We started trying to conceive again in September of 2020 and had miscarriages in May of 2021 and January of 2023. We are still trying but not seeking fertility treatments this time (my heart can’t take it now that we have our daughter).
We hope we will have the second child we desire, but I have received well meaning advice to stay positive, it will happen. On the path to having our daughter I bought the ridiculous Ava bracelet which promised it would help me time sex easier than using ovulation tests- it’s hilarious to me looking back that the month I got pregnant with my daughter was the month that I put the bracelet in the drawer and didn’t use ovulation tests at all- my OBGYN actually told me they thought I ovulated much earlier that cycle since my daughter measured a week ahead at the first ultrasound.
I am a Christian so I certainly believe in praying and believing for what we are hoping for, but I do hate when people tell me I am not being positive enough who haven’t dealt with anything I have themselves. Like I am sorry, let me know how positive you feel 3 years into trying to conceive when you’ve had two first trimester losses, one of which was a missed miscarriage and went on for nearly 2 months.
I just started short term therapy so I have 7 sessions left. Hopefully having my therapist be validating will help me with the frustration I have been feeling with people lately.
Hi Laura, I think we've all had bracelets of some kind! We sometimes need to feel like we're doing something, anything. It's hard that we are being told to be more positive from people who never had to do that! You've been through so much and I'm so sorry for your losses. I hope that your therapy can be a safe space to feel validated and seen.
I wrote a fun piece about “My Month of Extreme Woo” and all the fertility things I got sucked into (luckily stopping short of the 5-figure coach). It’s indeed a massive industry that preys on our hope and fears:
Liz I've just sat and read this piece and it's brilliant! Thanks so much for sharing it with me. I have laughed and nodded furiously because I have Been There, including diving into the work of Julia Indichova and pulversing dates. Your humour is spot on and also, we try so hard in the face of so much contradictory information. I'll be sharing this soon as it needs to be seen!
Thank you so much, Helen! I’m glad you appreciated this, though I am sorry you’ve had to go through it all yourself. I appreciate your sharing; I’m sure there are many more who can relate. At least we can laugh about it! 😆
As a previously very rational, cynical woman who now sleeps with ‘fertility’ crystals under her pillow, I needed to read this 🧡
I still have a white felt acorn hanging by my bed! I think we can lean into the mystical.. and we deserve to be treated with ethical respect. So much love to you x
I agree that, sometimes, we need a little magic. I found some practices really grounding and still have my little collection of fertility crystals 💫
Oo I wish I'd spoken of magic in my piece now. We are allowed to hold onto our magic x
There is not a YES big enough to express how I feel about your every word, and I’m so grateful that you wrote this in both a sensitive and strong way 🙏🏼
Thank you dear you. Respectfully calling things out is not an easy tightrope to walk on! But good to walk on nonetheless.
Thank you Helen for articulating your thoughts about this in a honest and gentle manner. You’ve a wonderful gift in navigating that and I know how tricky it can be as a technical writer as a career now.
So, I am naturally an analytical and rational person but once diagnosed with infertility, I felt so desperate that I tried so many things that ended up making me more miserable and anxious and none of it is cheap. After a lengthy period of counselling and inner mindset work, I realised it was my unhealthy relationship with control and perfectionism. I had worked hard and got certain milestones in the bag (career, house etc) so naturally thought “working” at overcoming infertility was the ticket out. I do feel self compassion for my past self but it does make me angry that people will see people’s misfortunes as opportunities and then further reinforced by society to be “positive”. Which then drives people further to feeling isolated and more prone to mental health issues. It’s problematic. (Sorry this is rambley, long story short is 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 😂)
Infertility makes us feel desperate- even Michelle Obama wrote about how hard it is when you’re used to being able to work hard for something to be diagnosed with infertility. I have had to come to terms with my need for control and perfectionism over the years- I also have a history of disordered eating because of my tendencies toward both, but thankfully I haven’t had a period of true restrictive eating since 2010.
I am glad that so many of us are realizing that we shouldn’t try everything that makes us miserable and anxious and costs a ton of money!
I am so glad too!
I love that you've felt able to write freely ☺️ and you know, I think it is almost impossible not to grasp for points of control in this wildly uncontrollable terrain. But I know that I arrived at infertility with a biography of feeling safe with things I could control and in this way, it was probably inevitable that I too fell hard wanting to control that too. I'm glad we can deep self compassion for our past selves but yes, they never deserved to be exploited.
Thank you for sharing. Having experienced secondary infertility and recurrent miscarriage, I’ve been on the receiving end of similar suggestions. I remember once being told “if you want something badly enough it’ll happen”, and that “anything is possible”. Of course, we know that’s not the case, but when you’re in the thick of it you’ll try anything.
You really will. And, desire and believing as a suggested remedy places the blame with us, no matter how good the intention. That simply isn't right. Or, dare I say, directed at men in the same way. I'm sorry that you have endured recurrent loss, that's so very hard. Sending you all the love x
Exactly. I can still recall times when I felt like I’d caused a miscarriage because I wasn’t positive enough. I was so deep in shame.
After seven years we were very lucky to have the treatment that brought us our littlest 💛
Such an important thing to call out!!!!!!
me and my soapbox are so grateful for you!!!!
I love you and your soapbox. Xx
This! “It’s not because you have a baby blocking belief buried deep into your subconscious.” This has come up so many times when I’ve done courses, watched webinars or YouTube videos on infertility (oh yes I tried to treat infertility like a project I could try harder and harder at). And I believed it for a while. I thought surely this is it. How awful! I don’t believe it now, it doesn’t even make sense. Why would I have that and my friends don’t?! Crazy.
Oh so much truth here that we can see ourselves as needing to pour energy into belief and manifesting whilst friends never did that!
We started trying to conceive in August of 2015. I had an early miscarriage in September of 2015, then it took 3.5 years and 4 failed IUI attempts before I got pregnant with my now 4 year old daughter. We started trying to conceive again in September of 2020 and had miscarriages in May of 2021 and January of 2023. We are still trying but not seeking fertility treatments this time (my heart can’t take it now that we have our daughter).
We hope we will have the second child we desire, but I have received well meaning advice to stay positive, it will happen. On the path to having our daughter I bought the ridiculous Ava bracelet which promised it would help me time sex easier than using ovulation tests- it’s hilarious to me looking back that the month I got pregnant with my daughter was the month that I put the bracelet in the drawer and didn’t use ovulation tests at all- my OBGYN actually told me they thought I ovulated much earlier that cycle since my daughter measured a week ahead at the first ultrasound.
I am a Christian so I certainly believe in praying and believing for what we are hoping for, but I do hate when people tell me I am not being positive enough who haven’t dealt with anything I have themselves. Like I am sorry, let me know how positive you feel 3 years into trying to conceive when you’ve had two first trimester losses, one of which was a missed miscarriage and went on for nearly 2 months.
I just started short term therapy so I have 7 sessions left. Hopefully having my therapist be validating will help me with the frustration I have been feeling with people lately.
Hi Laura, I think we've all had bracelets of some kind! We sometimes need to feel like we're doing something, anything. It's hard that we are being told to be more positive from people who never had to do that! You've been through so much and I'm so sorry for your losses. I hope that your therapy can be a safe space to feel validated and seen.
Thank you for this articulating this so wonderfully xx
Thank you, I'm so glad you enjoyed it x
I wrote a fun piece about “My Month of Extreme Woo” and all the fertility things I got sucked into (luckily stopping short of the 5-figure coach). It’s indeed a massive industry that preys on our hope and fears:
www.lizexplores.com/p/my-month-of-extreme-woo
Liz I've just sat and read this piece and it's brilliant! Thanks so much for sharing it with me. I have laughed and nodded furiously because I have Been There, including diving into the work of Julia Indichova and pulversing dates. Your humour is spot on and also, we try so hard in the face of so much contradictory information. I'll be sharing this soon as it needs to be seen!
Thank you so much, Helen! I’m glad you appreciated this, though I am sorry you’ve had to go through it all yourself. I appreciate your sharing; I’m sure there are many more who can relate. At least we can laugh about it! 😆